It could be because of several things you did years back. I need to be more patient and loving towards my son. You may think I do not. And I am working on identifying what I did wrong what I did, and continue to do, is I put someone else (my son) at the center of my life, which was fine for him when he was younger and actually liked it. :) good luck and my best wishes to all of you <3. kids 'He blamed me.' Its important they have boundaries or they will be walked all over when they are thrown out in the world. Literally my entire being is annoying to him. I am not sure this has rubbed off on them now. Im not sure but I dont think teenagers are supposed to pick where the family lives. Keep the past in the past because it only exists in your head and keeps you from enjoying today. You should take his advice. months later i move back in with him and we get in a fight. Try to be as supportive as possible. Thank you so much Sara. Would you want your childs last day on earth being uncomfortable, full of anxiety and feeling powerless? It is understandable if you feel empty and hopeless, but please use this time to build up your own life and friendships. I WAS YOU, long ago. Only ask for clarity or for an example. Trust that hes a good kid and will come around. You have a lot to offer this world. We have to figure out how to help them be the best version of themselves by letting them make decisions and having responsibilities. We can provide options to a problem, but the decision should be left up to them to decide. What she needs is your support and encouragement. Thoughts and prayers are sent your way. Being a parent who cares about our children is like having our hearts ripped out piece by piece, then in one moment of hope we get a glimpse of how it could be and may be one day. So tell her if you had to do it all over again, you would have listened to her and the outcome would have been different. They actually like me, go figure. Get some friends outside the house to confide in. Boy is that true. Not say, I told you so. You did your job as a loving mother. On the day I turned her over to the military I took her out for her final meal. I know she doesnt do much with facebook, so what is the big deal? She has applied for a job in another state in the worst area in the state without considering how she would get there or how she would live. Admit this to your teen. Being an adult comes with a lot of responsibility. They didnt ask for this life, you made that decision for them. but all of the sudden everything changes, he is very rude and very disrespectful. One thing for sure is you will never go wrong if you lead with love. Meanwhile, I think I must stick to my principles in this matter. I wish I knew how to keep him away from these friends. No way, really they are in the same school, and when he goes out, he meets with whomever he wants. Stay calm as if you were talking to your best friend. Shutting down is a normal reaction. Sounds like theres more lessons to be learned.
Told her she was a burden actually, her father said she should wait when I came home from work before burdening me with any problems to solve. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Ive also noticed that I now have more friends than Ive had since I was a little girl. #3: Go to meetup.com and see if there are any groups in your area that interest you. I too suffered this during the year of solitude. I now have an empty nest, and I thought I would be so sad, but after awhile I get tired of doing for them and I never get a drop of appreciation back. Its important to brainstorm all options together with your teen. Life tells them when they turn 18, they are an adult. Please teach your son to face his fears and do the work to get past it. Sending you the courage you need to get you through this. This will not only do wonders for your loved one, but also for you. 
One is going to college and having four more years to prepare for real life. Today his 9 year old sister came to our home with him they were both upset. Introduce a morning juice as part of starting the day. Hugs! Didnt take her to the therapist when she started refusing to eat a variety of foods. I understand that his teens brain is still developing and changing, and his emotional reactions are like a roller coaster, I try to be patient and understanding, but he can be very rude and insensitive, I ask God for strength and intelligence to survive this difficult period he is in. Most days I feel as if I were a toddler awake during nap time, my eyes pressed closed, pretending to sleep so as not to disturb the sleepers. And, her having a different perspective would make her a more rounded individual. What if something happens to you? So things are still challenging, but I believe we are over the worst. Like I have let them down because I can control my emotions and I think that sometimes they prey on that. What is your passion? Wake up, open your eyes and say, Im not making any conclusions today. The same goes for parents. The difference is, he lives in hope that all he has to do is turn 18 and then he can be free of me and instantly become happy (which isnt too likely, since I think if he took 2 seconds to think it over, hed realize hes got other problems which have nothing to do with me and would not be any better once he gained his freedom), whereas Icant envision ever regaining my own happiness. So, I cant fix his being depressed. All you have to do is give him the space to realize it on his own. It wouldnt hurt to seek counsel yourself to help you navigate this situation. Please dont be so hard on yourself. Its how life is supposed to work. I take care of everything, laundry, dinner, make her lunch everyday, etc. And almost impossible challenge But we also need to accept our limits, our failures, our imperfections. Its time to stop resisting and accept that your role is changing as a mother to your son. All he wanted was for me to say he was great, listen to his story, let him be late sometimes, tell him a B is fine, just give him unconditional positive regard. They cant be serious. I found 8 really good friends going through the same thing as I was. You have learned how to not attach yourself to another human, not give yourself away, not be dependent on another for happiness and not needing validation, acceptance or love. You can say that you are willing to contribute a certain amount per month for insurance to help them out. We all are expected to contribute to society and support ourselves. I think the only hope for me is if I, too, can stop thinking about him all the time. Lastly, if you regret something youve done or said to them in the past, make it right. Which, self-fulfilling prophecy, but then, depression is just that, and nothing can help unless you want to be helped, and he doesnt. She just finished her 3rd deployment. So many of us didnt automatically appreciate the life that has been given to us. You were sent here to fix yourself. But I wanted her to know that no matter what happens, I love her and I am here for when she needs me. Let us know how you are doing. Your loved one should be eating plenty of living food (uncooked). We need to find a way to help him in the way he needs to be helped. Get out of the house. And they get it raw and unfiltered from all directions. This has made the world of difference. If you have a chance to make things right, order will be restored (thats a blessing in itself). We can lose our tempers but that wont help. Love overcomes all. Explain you want to see him succeed in life because you care about him. So be sure to never bring back up and throw a mistake they made in their face. And most importantly, have fun with them! What you suggested is absolutely right. He said i did no parenting because I was not home when he got home from school. I feel like Im being tremendously selfish now, since it takes a real effort even to engage in polite small talk with anyone, although I excuse myself (to myself) by telling myself that its kind of like Im suffering from a very painful disease and it is taking all of my energy just to keep breathing and surviving the pain. I have to say that things didnt even start to improve until we changed our approach to parenting. I havent given up on my daughter but Ive given up trying to placate her because it just plays into her hands. Your money shouldnt be considered his money as much as your parents money shouldnt be considered your money. This is your child and if you were responsible for their downfall, you should want to do anything in your power to make things right. How to Be a Parent to a Teen Who Hates You Alexis Hansen, LCSW Often, I meet a mom who is on the verge of tears describing how her teen hates her. Be curious, maintain your rules, and otherwise try your very best to remember that she doesnt mean what she says right now. A friend listens more than they talk. This could take 49 years like in my brothers case or 18 years in someone elses case. I think he still has enough basic decency to feel some sympathy for my dad, but is just seeing my dads inevitable decline (hes 86, and has been widowed for nearly 8 years now) as confirmation that life is sad and meaningless. I worried a lot that hes listening to that person and trying to find any answer from his videos. :) They act out where its safe to do so. They need space to find their own groove. For years i was supporting us and also supporting the ex that was the divorce deal i got sole custody if I supported him financially for some years. For making them feel less than you. I know that pain and I hope you find your way through it. The guiding light here is that this is not the time to shut down on them. BE PREPARED for anything. My husband died 3 years ago and I know I get alot of the misplaced grief and anger. For example, if your son attempts to communicate something important with you, speaking over him will probably only yield frustration. Meaningful conversations work best when theyre a two-way endeavor, so try to listen attentively when hes talking and allow him to speak his mind entirely without interrupting. My Grown Son Hates Me, What Do I Do? Keep it short & sweet. We as a generation given so much to them so we can be loved and appreciated, instead they are entitled and do NOT appreciate anything. Remember, you are moving from a parental role being responsible for everything, to being a support system when he needs you. Tell him that was wrong of you to jump to conclusions, and you are sorry. I spent several years before my son was born trying to fix my issues with therapy and meds, and was also dragged unwillingly to counselors for several years throughout my own adolescence andwell, Im not really sold on the therapy and/or meds are the only cure for depression thing.) But while we are crashing & burning, this is the beginning of our rebirth. Just wanted to take a moment and thank you for your excellent advice. Its so sad that he believes this. BUT, most of the time we get on fine, we laugh together and she seems to have turned into a person with compassion for others, strong principles and integrity. All we know is what we wanted as a teen. Also tell her that you will listen more. Please do not contact anyone else behind his back because it will only make things worse. We had already heard that children on the spectrum dont always respond to conventional parenting like other children, and looking back, I can see that our system of rewards, positive attention and appropriate sanctions totally backfired. Thats a big responsibility to put on a person and when they are tired of trying to keep you happy, they will be done with you. Before he leaves home is the time that he learns right from wrong. If you respect his boundaries, he will come back around. You saying that you cant act more loving and caring towards other people IS malarkey! I work on a Vineyard doing something I love! You do NOT have to clear or shut up your brain. You can involve them by asking what they want to listen to. Thank you so much, Hilly and DR. DR, I am going to read your story over and over, as that was about the most inspirational thing Ive read since I started spending half (or more) of my down time at work and home frantically researching what to do about a depressed, angry teen who is growing more and more distant (so, like a year and a half). The hardest thing I ever did was leave her alone and find a life for myself. The pain I feel is so immense, I can not stop crying. No matter what you think she deserves. We all have that choice. He seems to have adopted 100% the depression world view that life is pointless and hopeless and he will never have friends or goals and that even if he did ever try to do anything it would fail. Instead of running FROM you. He also did not, does not, want to do anything else I suggest.
When you mention this, remember to tell him over and over that you want what he wants but theres protocols you both need to follow to do this right. And, that all of you agree and are on the same page. I did this and my daughter (21 yrs old now) went from not speaking to me, to texting, calling and face timing me whenever she was upset about something. If his dad wanted him. Trust me, this will take up ALL of your spare time. Thats how its supposed to be. The kids today, including my own, have NO regard for authority. If you are love to all things, you will do whats needed and will get in return, all that you need. He has to want to make the changes. One always pays for their sins, no exceptions. We need to treat them more like we would treat a best friend. Hello Chris, Little things like Would you like to go to Target? Do you know where the yellow boots are? Im going go to the grocery store. Even if she doesnt respond, I carry on like this is a normal, fully functioning house (fake it till ya make it!) I am single so when he is not here I am alone but he always has one of us so i guess thats why he does not miss us as much. This really hit home with me. Im done letting her inaction cause my suffering. Life can be amazing for all.
We are 100% in control of our thoughts and emotions. Make is your bonding time. Did you say you were in DC? Your son loves you very much and wants you to find happiness beyond him. I know that we have agency, we have a soul. When the time comes, they may even come back and apologize for things they werent equipped to handle as a teen.
..he saidya UT I did not think you would do it..or at least everything..just like that. I still love him, he says he doesnt care in the least, he still despises me and always will. I dont need anything from them, but it would be nice to just be appreciated. Non-parent or not, you are spot on. One minute, everything is great, then all of a sudden I am the devil. Navigating this is not easy, but as some of you have commented, keep loving them and in the end they come back to you! Most times i stay up late and cry and pray. Be sensitive to nature and everything around you. After a while, my brother believed it. So I wrote to the principal in confidential and luckily got a very positive answer from him saying they will not charge for next term if my son does choose to leave and will keep this matter to only himself at this stage. Its a tough pill to swallow. Once they are teens, we no longer get an automatic spot. Our job is to build their confidence, teach them right from wrong, empower them by telling them they can do anything they put their minds to, support their decisions (even if we dont think its the best), help them when they ask for help, and give them the space they need to fly and be confident adults. Or, lie just to get you out of their face? Explain in a loving, caring way, exactly what is concerning to you. Every form of human expression, every human invention contains echoes of these images of mystery of creation. We all know that something went wrong with teens that have gone off the deep end. You being such a great Mom, you too, have this to look forward to. Looking back, I want to kiss my mom for being so annoying. Rene, Your response brought me to tears! Its like a death..my worst nightmare all opinions are so welcome, no need to worry, that is normal teenage behaviour. He is just not the same son from one year ago. They never learn how to effectively communicate their feelings. If hes not onboard, no progress will be made. My daughter refused to go to college, so she joined the Navy. I promise! We all would. Life is too short to be mistreated by anyone.that includes your parents!
As a man I feel defeated and broken. He is my youngest, aged 14, with an older brother and sister, both in their early 20s, who have happy, successful, As a non-parent, I recognize that I am no expert in parenting. Not see us out of obligation. Everyone needs and deserves someone like this. We chose it for them. I finally turned this around in my thoughts. day. Its important that our feet are firmly planted on the platform as they go upppp and doooowwwwn and around and around and aroundeventually, the roller coaster will stop. Realize, you are more than the content of your brain. Cut the apron strings and find yourself again. I still remember when I graduated from college and got my first job, I was still living with my parents. Ok my daughter hates me. Everything I ever did wrong until she had me in tears. When he gets out on his own (in the real world), if he doesnt pay his bills, he will ruin his credit. I could act kinder, and more loving, but right now I just cant. It has been just over a year since my husband has died, I am now an only parent & my daughter is 18 next month. From what Im told is that we have about 5 years (18-22) until they find their way back. Let them discount the idea based on the questions you are asking and the answers they comes up with. Im rooting for you! I will definitely do that! I sent her cards & postcards every day. I mean really listen and take what they say to heart. Its best to enter a relationship trying to enhance the other persons life vs having a list of expectations they are expected to meet. This week I aminsanely busy, working 14 hour days (main gig, then side gig) and collapsing into bed.